Ten

I was a complete wreck Friday. For one thing, I had nothing to wear. Now sure, you may say to me, "Tricia, you have more clothes then the entire population Burma, when it existed." But I would simply reply, "Well, that is not enough." I live by one rule, and one rule alone, Always be fabulous. And, I am. I ended up just packing a ridiculous, unnecessary amount of clothes so I could possibly put something together at Mike's house. But I got this adorable new Blue/Brown dress from the shop my mother works out, so I knew at least Friday I would look banging.

This was the first time I ever went to Mike's house not upset. Usually something happens in my life, that by Friday afternoon I am in shambles. So this time, I was able to just attack and cuddle the bitch. We went out to eat with his Dad. He is an Aquarius who likes things just so, and doesn't like spending money. He is a rather funny man, who calls his Virgoean wife a Dyke. It is kind of funny, because when I am mad/annoyed with Mike, I act a lot like his dad. I am always like, "You stupid little cunt/bitch." or, "Fuck you woman." much like his dad's "You stupid dyke, shut the fuck up." It is pretty amusing, to me anyway.

Friday night really was not filled with mystery or intrigue. We went for a walk around a lake. Just talking and holding hands. What I love about Mike and I is that we could just walk and smoke, and consider that a good time. Then after this I am not really sure what happened. Friday was too long ago at this point. But we ended up getting ice cream and talking to Mike's interesting friend. I learned that abortion could be illegal, but killing someone should be legal. Leos always bring the LoLz.

Mike and I fucked twice Friday Night. Mike is possibly the luckiest man in the world now. We had sex five times this weekend. I just want to get fucked until it feels good. I want to feel this amazing feeling that everyone else feels when they have sex. It has to be good, or else people would not do it. So, I am going to have Mike fuck me as often as possible, until I can enjoy it at least half as much as everybody else does. The first time was a lot more painful in comparison to the second. It took him only 15 minutes to get hard again. I was surprised. I really did not enjoy it. But it did not hurt as bad as it did last week. So for that I was happy. Though it did not feel good, at least it was bearable.

Saturday we were woken up early to pick up a dresser for Mike's sister Kristen. It was in Philadelphia, so we ended up spending the day there. When I look back at all the memories Mike and I have created this summer, most of them involve walking and talking. It is strange, we can have moments of comfortable silence, but these are far and few. Early in the day he said something really inconsiderate to me. Which eventually lead to me being so depressed I threw up twice. Bulimia is a hard habit to kick. But I know he did not mean it cruelly, he just does not understand what it is like to live inside my skin. I cannot except him to. I just have to realize he will never be able to comprehend what it is like having and eating disorder, and not get upset when he does not understand it. To apologize Mike did get me this lovely dress though. It is so adorable and strange. He also got me this interesting circle necklace and a unicorn necklace. He really is such a lovely guy. He has his...off moments, but nobody is perfect.

We went around town, looking for clothes for Mike. We found ourselves in a Park, wanting to have a cigarette and a chat. We ended up being attacked by two homeless people. One claiming to be a part of the foot ball team, raising money. The other one was just some cracked out homeless man with two different shoes who took Mike's cigarette. We decided it was best we peace and went to Barns and Nobles. I was looking at a Russian Vogue, and worked on my pronunciation while Mike was fucking the Computer section. He is such a geek, but that is one of the reasons I am so attracted and relate to him. We headed back home, so Mike could change out of his faggy shorts, and get a shower. Mike and I tried to have random sex in his basement. It really did not work out that well. I have never felt such pain in my life. My pussy was actually burning. BURNING. I could not even move or deal. I was sobbing hysterically. I ended up just jerking him off while crying. I cannot imagine how awkward that is for him, I mean, all he does is watch a crying like a bitch make him cum. It cannot be that sexy.

Joe, Mike and I went to this very enjoyable Mexican restaurant. The waitress ended up being one of their friends, and gave us free drinks. Which was really nice of her. While we took a walk around Haddenfield(sp?idfc), some man in a car screamed, "Man, you are a fucking bean pole." at Mike. That may be the greatest thing Mike and I have ever had screamed at us. Minus,"Hey girl, where are you going with that fine ass. Hey boy, can't you share?" I was designated driver, so once everybody was rounded up in my car we headed over to Mike's. Where the night was spent talking about this and that. It is just kind of funny, it was three men from 22-24, drinking beer, and a 19 year old girl eating a self-made sundae.

I will take this moment to totally jump off topic, and be like, WTF is with Sarah Jessica Parker

Her new commercial makes her look mad creepy and like a crack addict. Idfk, it is the shit my nightmares are made of. Do you see her eyes at the end? I kind of want to know what Covet smells like. Her last sent Lovely smelt god awful. I can't imagine how disgusting it is. It is like, are you fucking kidding me? Get the fuck out.

Mike Quote of the Moment:
"You want to get raped don't you? You little slut."

I dropped Joe and Dane off. Joe may possibly be the sweetest and well mannered boy I have ever met in my life. He was so thankful for my designated driving, when it wasn't even that big of a deal. When Mike drinks, he gets tired, which means he will say he doesn't want to fool around, but will end up becoming ridiculously horny the moment I climb into the bed. Which is something I have semi-gotten use to, but annoys the living day lights of of me. I feel like this, I get to see you three days a week. That means I want to hook up with you as soon and as much as possible.

So, I was kind of being a cunt to Mike. Because he was all ready to go to sleep, so I was getting into go to sleep mode. We turned on the Microphones and began to fuck. Despite the burning sex that happened hours before, this time only hurt a bit going again. I am not saying it was pleasurable by any standards. But it had moments of enjoyment. It was so obvious we were fucking. Mike's room is right next to his parents. The bed was noisy and the music probably did not help. This means his mother knows he took my virginity. Which is kind of weird. I am glad his mother is so non confrontational and that his father just does not give a fuck. It is strange, but literally we fucked only a few feet from his parents. Nothing makes a girl wet like knowing her boyfriend's parents can hear her getting fucked.

I slept really late Sunday, until twelve. Mike's father asked me if I drank too much. I responded, I don't drink, I just feel foul. I wanted to say I don't need to drink to feel like crap in the morning. Your son's monster cock causes me enough pain already. Our day was really simple. We did the following: got Mike flip-flops, went for a walk, ate dinner with his family, worked on the puzzle, went for a walk, and watched Rock of Love. After Rock of Love, I talked Mike into having sex with me. He is a Virgo, so he was hesitant about fucking with his entire family in the house. So I told him that we should fuck on the floor, because his bed makes too much noise. Still, with Jesus and Marychain blasting, it is pretty obvious we were up to something. But I guess attempting to hide it is more polite, even if everyone knows what you are doing. It wasn't anything ground breaking, but for the first time it was not painful at all and it was actually pleasant.

I still fear that I may be some sort of a freak, that I don't feel pleasure like normal girls. I hope my day of enjoying sex comes soon. I keep making Mike fuck me, no matter how painful it is, hoping it will start feeling good. This is so fucked up.

Music Video of the Moment:

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Photograph One taken by Samantha.

Eight

    I am sitting in my kitchen right now. Procrastinating on finishing my paper. My paper is going to be on the First Great Awakening. For those who are concerned, the Great Awakening is the revival of Christianity in America during the 1700s. But for those who are not, I shall return to the this and that of my simple existence.
      So, it is 1am this morning, and I just burst out into tears. I am so just, mentally fucked up. When it comes to dealing with sex and sexuality, I cannot get rid of this overwhelming guilt that I am doing something so wrong. No one can truly be sure why, but most, including me put the blame to how I was raised. How I was raised was very simple. Men are bad heartless creatures, who will fuck you and leave you, taking you for all they are worth. Sex is bad, and only disgusting whore have sex. Though I know, these are irrational thoughts...when they have been hammered into your head since you could conceive their meaning, it is hard to push out of your mind totally. And I cannot seem to extract the fragments of a bitter old woman's teaching from my head or heart.
      What brought on this episode of inner drama? It set in that, I would never be able to see a Unicorn. Though some of you may say, Unicorns do not exist, if you are not a Virgin, and have not looked, how would you know? Unicorns, according to folklore, can only be seen my Virgin maidens. So....even if they do exist, I would never be able to see them. And then I started to ponder if I really was ready or was a girl like me even ever meant to have sex. I know it was the right time and place. I hold myself fully responsible. Mike never ever pushed me like the other boys I dated. That is probably why I could fuck him, because I knew he was not in it for the pussy, but in it for me. Since hooking up wasn't the main part of our relationship, just a pleasant part of it. There really is no emphasis on it, but it is just there, and that makes it so enjoyable. Since I know, if I ever wanted to stop, or not do something, Mike would understand.
      My last relationship, was just being forced using guilt into doing sexual things. If I said no, it would not be "Ok." like it is with Mike. It would be, "Fine." and I would be treated unkindly until I did it. It is just nice, to have someone put my feelings before their sex drive. I am doing a lot better now. And I know at the end of the day, no matter what happens, I won't truly regret choosing Mike. At the time it felt right, and we both cared a lot about each other. So at least I can be comforted in the fact, that it was meanful, and the day was lovely.
      So, the psychic was right, Friday was an amazing day and I was pleasantly surprised. Though I felt tremendous amounts of pain. I never realized that sex could genuinely bring you closer to a person. Some how in the short time we've known each other we have been able to find some sort of connection, whether it be a short term or long term one, it does not matter. The only way we will be able to find that out is if we keep going. I have always been the most unlucky girl. Who feared her first time would be something awful. With the secret fear that once a boy fucked me they would lolz and leave. But looking back, now that I have had time to reflect and think about it, I realize how lucky I am. And despite the pain, what a sweet first time I had.
      So this is the story of how Tricia found out she had her period. Saturday, Mike was fingering me, and when he took out fingers, it was covered in blood. How foul is that? Another strange incident in the life of Tricia. Like, seriously, whiskey tango foxtrot. All I wanted was to get fucked until the pain went away, and my period fucks my shit up. But we chilled at the hotel room, watched cartoons, showered, and finally got out. There was a really intense family reunion outside. It made the elevator crowded.
      After I wrote the entry below Mike and I chilled at the house. It ended up being discovered the I had gotten Slurpee on my shirt, and we had to wash it. We went to the mall, and Mike got me a really cute button up top and matching accessories. He is so sweet. Followed by mishaps in Philly, Ice cream, and a walk. We ran a bit late for Joe's party. It was pretty chill. The people there were nice. I was accused by an angry gay man, for saying something homophobic. I wanted to be like, listen bitch, if I am saying something offensive, you will know it. Me telling a story about something that happened to me, including two gay boys, is not homophobic. Me saying something like, "I saw two fags having sex, so I set them on fire." That is a homophobic comment. Please, understand the difference between someone telling a story that includes gay people, and homophobic statements. It really isn't that hard. We also stole a chair, because one was broken. Mike also was totally lame and broke the trampoline net, which I had to fix. Lame.

This actually has nothing to do with anything. I t just made me lulzy. It's all about the poone. I need to get off 4chan.

      Before we went to sleep, I got mad at Mike for some reason. Which I forget at the moment. I was probably upset about not being a Virgin or something mundane, and he was probably too drunk+tired to comprehend the words I was saying. Then because I am perioding everywhere, I probably got irrational and upset. But when I was upset it was very important. But he was a mixture of drunk and tired, and could not form sentences, or remember the sentences that he had attempted to say. Which includes my personal favorite, "when alls...people..comes in...group." Which had nothing to do with anything. But I ended up falling asleep.
      Sunday I wasted a lot of time. Just fooling around and being lame with Mike. I ended up writing half of my paper though, which was pretty awesome. At this point I only have less then a page left. Which is awesome. Then I just have to make a poster board and a presentation. I still have to goto the gym, which I will do once I finish this blog entry, and my paper. After dinner with his parents, we went to get ice cream. But not before working on that damn puzzle a little bit. I cannot wait until it is completed. We have to do it in my last few visits of the summer. I cannot believe I only have two more visits to Mike's house before the summer is over. It went so quick. So much as changed. I feel like I have grown a lot this summer. I have also learned so much. I am very thankful for this summer, the people in it, and what I have been taught.
      What am I currently? Kind of sick from Chinese food...and wishing my paper would do itself. But I know that isn't going to happen, so I better get going. This entry was way too fucking long anyway. Sorry.

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Photography taken by Samantha.