Eight

    I am sitting in my kitchen right now. Procrastinating on finishing my paper. My paper is going to be on the First Great Awakening. For those who are concerned, the Great Awakening is the revival of Christianity in America during the 1700s. But for those who are not, I shall return to the this and that of my simple existence.
      So, it is 1am this morning, and I just burst out into tears. I am so just, mentally fucked up. When it comes to dealing with sex and sexuality, I cannot get rid of this overwhelming guilt that I am doing something so wrong. No one can truly be sure why, but most, including me put the blame to how I was raised. How I was raised was very simple. Men are bad heartless creatures, who will fuck you and leave you, taking you for all they are worth. Sex is bad, and only disgusting whore have sex. Though I know, these are irrational thoughts...when they have been hammered into your head since you could conceive their meaning, it is hard to push out of your mind totally. And I cannot seem to extract the fragments of a bitter old woman's teaching from my head or heart.
      What brought on this episode of inner drama? It set in that, I would never be able to see a Unicorn. Though some of you may say, Unicorns do not exist, if you are not a Virgin, and have not looked, how would you know? Unicorns, according to folklore, can only be seen my Virgin maidens. So....even if they do exist, I would never be able to see them. And then I started to ponder if I really was ready or was a girl like me even ever meant to have sex. I know it was the right time and place. I hold myself fully responsible. Mike never ever pushed me like the other boys I dated. That is probably why I could fuck him, because I knew he was not in it for the pussy, but in it for me. Since hooking up wasn't the main part of our relationship, just a pleasant part of it. There really is no emphasis on it, but it is just there, and that makes it so enjoyable. Since I know, if I ever wanted to stop, or not do something, Mike would understand.
      My last relationship, was just being forced using guilt into doing sexual things. If I said no, it would not be "Ok." like it is with Mike. It would be, "Fine." and I would be treated unkindly until I did it. It is just nice, to have someone put my feelings before their sex drive. I am doing a lot better now. And I know at the end of the day, no matter what happens, I won't truly regret choosing Mike. At the time it felt right, and we both cared a lot about each other. So at least I can be comforted in the fact, that it was meanful, and the day was lovely.
      So, the psychic was right, Friday was an amazing day and I was pleasantly surprised. Though I felt tremendous amounts of pain. I never realized that sex could genuinely bring you closer to a person. Some how in the short time we've known each other we have been able to find some sort of connection, whether it be a short term or long term one, it does not matter. The only way we will be able to find that out is if we keep going. I have always been the most unlucky girl. Who feared her first time would be something awful. With the secret fear that once a boy fucked me they would lolz and leave. But looking back, now that I have had time to reflect and think about it, I realize how lucky I am. And despite the pain, what a sweet first time I had.
      So this is the story of how Tricia found out she had her period. Saturday, Mike was fingering me, and when he took out fingers, it was covered in blood. How foul is that? Another strange incident in the life of Tricia. Like, seriously, whiskey tango foxtrot. All I wanted was to get fucked until the pain went away, and my period fucks my shit up. But we chilled at the hotel room, watched cartoons, showered, and finally got out. There was a really intense family reunion outside. It made the elevator crowded.
      After I wrote the entry below Mike and I chilled at the house. It ended up being discovered the I had gotten Slurpee on my shirt, and we had to wash it. We went to the mall, and Mike got me a really cute button up top and matching accessories. He is so sweet. Followed by mishaps in Philly, Ice cream, and a walk. We ran a bit late for Joe's party. It was pretty chill. The people there were nice. I was accused by an angry gay man, for saying something homophobic. I wanted to be like, listen bitch, if I am saying something offensive, you will know it. Me telling a story about something that happened to me, including two gay boys, is not homophobic. Me saying something like, "I saw two fags having sex, so I set them on fire." That is a homophobic comment. Please, understand the difference between someone telling a story that includes gay people, and homophobic statements. It really isn't that hard. We also stole a chair, because one was broken. Mike also was totally lame and broke the trampoline net, which I had to fix. Lame.

This actually has nothing to do with anything. I t just made me lulzy. It's all about the poone. I need to get off 4chan.

      Before we went to sleep, I got mad at Mike for some reason. Which I forget at the moment. I was probably upset about not being a Virgin or something mundane, and he was probably too drunk+tired to comprehend the words I was saying. Then because I am perioding everywhere, I probably got irrational and upset. But when I was upset it was very important. But he was a mixture of drunk and tired, and could not form sentences, or remember the sentences that he had attempted to say. Which includes my personal favorite, "when alls...people..comes in...group." Which had nothing to do with anything. But I ended up falling asleep.
      Sunday I wasted a lot of time. Just fooling around and being lame with Mike. I ended up writing half of my paper though, which was pretty awesome. At this point I only have less then a page left. Which is awesome. Then I just have to make a poster board and a presentation. I still have to goto the gym, which I will do once I finish this blog entry, and my paper. After dinner with his parents, we went to get ice cream. But not before working on that damn puzzle a little bit. I cannot wait until it is completed. We have to do it in my last few visits of the summer. I cannot believe I only have two more visits to Mike's house before the summer is over. It went so quick. So much as changed. I feel like I have grown a lot this summer. I have also learned so much. I am very thankful for this summer, the people in it, and what I have been taught.
      What am I currently? Kind of sick from Chinese food...and wishing my paper would do itself. But I know that isn't going to happen, so I better get going. This entry was way too fucking long anyway. Sorry.

---

Photography taken by Samantha.