Eight

    I am sitting in my kitchen right now. Procrastinating on finishing my paper. My paper is going to be on the First Great Awakening. For those who are concerned, the Great Awakening is the revival of Christianity in America during the 1700s. But for those who are not, I shall return to the this and that of my simple existence.
      So, it is 1am this morning, and I just burst out into tears. I am so just, mentally fucked up. When it comes to dealing with sex and sexuality, I cannot get rid of this overwhelming guilt that I am doing something so wrong. No one can truly be sure why, but most, including me put the blame to how I was raised. How I was raised was very simple. Men are bad heartless creatures, who will fuck you and leave you, taking you for all they are worth. Sex is bad, and only disgusting whore have sex. Though I know, these are irrational thoughts...when they have been hammered into your head since you could conceive their meaning, it is hard to push out of your mind totally. And I cannot seem to extract the fragments of a bitter old woman's teaching from my head or heart.
      What brought on this episode of inner drama? It set in that, I would never be able to see a Unicorn. Though some of you may say, Unicorns do not exist, if you are not a Virgin, and have not looked, how would you know? Unicorns, according to folklore, can only be seen my Virgin maidens. So....even if they do exist, I would never be able to see them. And then I started to ponder if I really was ready or was a girl like me even ever meant to have sex. I know it was the right time and place. I hold myself fully responsible. Mike never ever pushed me like the other boys I dated. That is probably why I could fuck him, because I knew he was not in it for the pussy, but in it for me. Since hooking up wasn't the main part of our relationship, just a pleasant part of it. There really is no emphasis on it, but it is just there, and that makes it so enjoyable. Since I know, if I ever wanted to stop, or not do something, Mike would understand.
      My last relationship, was just being forced using guilt into doing sexual things. If I said no, it would not be "Ok." like it is with Mike. It would be, "Fine." and I would be treated unkindly until I did it. It is just nice, to have someone put my feelings before their sex drive. I am doing a lot better now. And I know at the end of the day, no matter what happens, I won't truly regret choosing Mike. At the time it felt right, and we both cared a lot about each other. So at least I can be comforted in the fact, that it was meanful, and the day was lovely.
      So, the psychic was right, Friday was an amazing day and I was pleasantly surprised. Though I felt tremendous amounts of pain. I never realized that sex could genuinely bring you closer to a person. Some how in the short time we've known each other we have been able to find some sort of connection, whether it be a short term or long term one, it does not matter. The only way we will be able to find that out is if we keep going. I have always been the most unlucky girl. Who feared her first time would be something awful. With the secret fear that once a boy fucked me they would lolz and leave. But looking back, now that I have had time to reflect and think about it, I realize how lucky I am. And despite the pain, what a sweet first time I had.
      So this is the story of how Tricia found out she had her period. Saturday, Mike was fingering me, and when he took out fingers, it was covered in blood. How foul is that? Another strange incident in the life of Tricia. Like, seriously, whiskey tango foxtrot. All I wanted was to get fucked until the pain went away, and my period fucks my shit up. But we chilled at the hotel room, watched cartoons, showered, and finally got out. There was a really intense family reunion outside. It made the elevator crowded.
      After I wrote the entry below Mike and I chilled at the house. It ended up being discovered the I had gotten Slurpee on my shirt, and we had to wash it. We went to the mall, and Mike got me a really cute button up top and matching accessories. He is so sweet. Followed by mishaps in Philly, Ice cream, and a walk. We ran a bit late for Joe's party. It was pretty chill. The people there were nice. I was accused by an angry gay man, for saying something homophobic. I wanted to be like, listen bitch, if I am saying something offensive, you will know it. Me telling a story about something that happened to me, including two gay boys, is not homophobic. Me saying something like, "I saw two fags having sex, so I set them on fire." That is a homophobic comment. Please, understand the difference between someone telling a story that includes gay people, and homophobic statements. It really isn't that hard. We also stole a chair, because one was broken. Mike also was totally lame and broke the trampoline net, which I had to fix. Lame.

This actually has nothing to do with anything. I t just made me lulzy. It's all about the poone. I need to get off 4chan.

      Before we went to sleep, I got mad at Mike for some reason. Which I forget at the moment. I was probably upset about not being a Virgin or something mundane, and he was probably too drunk+tired to comprehend the words I was saying. Then because I am perioding everywhere, I probably got irrational and upset. But when I was upset it was very important. But he was a mixture of drunk and tired, and could not form sentences, or remember the sentences that he had attempted to say. Which includes my personal favorite, "when alls...people..comes in...group." Which had nothing to do with anything. But I ended up falling asleep.
      Sunday I wasted a lot of time. Just fooling around and being lame with Mike. I ended up writing half of my paper though, which was pretty awesome. At this point I only have less then a page left. Which is awesome. Then I just have to make a poster board and a presentation. I still have to goto the gym, which I will do once I finish this blog entry, and my paper. After dinner with his parents, we went to get ice cream. But not before working on that damn puzzle a little bit. I cannot wait until it is completed. We have to do it in my last few visits of the summer. I cannot believe I only have two more visits to Mike's house before the summer is over. It went so quick. So much as changed. I feel like I have grown a lot this summer. I have also learned so much. I am very thankful for this summer, the people in it, and what I have been taught.
      What am I currently? Kind of sick from Chinese food...and wishing my paper would do itself. But I know that isn't going to happen, so I better get going. This entry was way too fucking long anyway. Sorry.

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Photography taken by Samantha.

Seven

*Warning- This entry contains a mildly graphic description of sex.*

      This morning, July 28th 2007, was the first morning in my entire life I woke up not being a virgin. In all honesty is is a very strange feeling. A mixture of melancholy and content.Mike has been giving into my every wish and whim since yesterday. When I arrived we checked into the hotel, and it was very nice. I am a very lucky girl to have such a thoughtful boy. We went to this really cute Sushi place. I got this awesome spicy salmon and tempura shrimp sushi. It was phenomenal. Since I said I wanted chocolates for later that night, he bought me four of my favorite Godiva candies. Mike was even sweet enough to traveled to Philadelphia just so I could get the ice cream Sundae I wanted. While we were walking around after, it started to rain, so we headed back to the hotel. I was hoping to delay it, walk longer, but life seemed to have other plans for me.
      I have never been so scared in my life. I actually insisted to Mike that he smelt, and to go take a shower, just so I could call and cry to Samantha. In all honesty he really didn't, I was just horrified. I climbed into the shower with him, hoping to chill out, but it did not help one bit. Once we were done showering together I had realized I had left the chocolates in the car, and him go get them. Secretly wishing he'd get hit by a car, so I would not have to make the decision myself. When the time came, I was sobbing, my hands covering my face. I have never felt such pain in my life. I felt as if someone was ripping my vagina open. The first time it went in, it hurt so much I had to have him stop. So, we chilled a little bit and watched television. Then I tried again, it still hurt tremendously, so bad I cannot even put this pain into words. I felt like my world was ending. But at least this time I was able to move a little bit with him, and get him off. The feeling of a man cumming inside you(he was wearing a condom, mind you), is really quit bizarre. You can feel the penis twitch and move inside you. In all honesty, only for two seconds did it feel remotely good. The rest was just this pain that I was praying would dull. I bled quit a bit. But he was as gentle and sweet as he could be. That is how, Tricia, Queen of the Virgins, lost her virginity.
      After we went outside for a cigarette. We ended up chilling at the outside bar area for awhile, talking about frivolous things, watching drunkards do this and that. There was even this drunken man in a wheel chair smoking a cigarette. Another man asked him if he ever fucked a girl in the wheelchair, his response was, "The ladies go wild for it." That made my day. Then we went back to the room, watched tv, and I talked to Sam on the phone.
      I keep going back and forth between two feelings. Sometimes I am content and happy. Despite the pain I felt, and the guilt I still feel. I feel closer to Mike some how. And I know he truly cares about me, and that he was the right guy and this was the right time. I don't regret it a single bit. Then there is the part of me, this is weirded out, and a bit disgusted....that I gave it up. As I said, I am in a weird place.
      When we woke up, we took a shower, and actually intended on doing it again. But this morning I got my period. He is still catering to me, like I were a princess. I give him a hard time most of the time, but, he really is a treasure to me. I was given for some reason, a genuine, caring, sweet little Virgo. I hope, I do not screw this up.

Oh Jesus and Marychain:

Six

      My illness has been coming to an end. Now that I am more lucid, I guess I will go over what happened a bit more. I ended up in the emergency room with a 102.8 fever, and it did not go down for some time. It hurt to move or do anything. I had to swish this really raunchy mixture of stuff, to numb my throat. it was foul. But I still went to school like a trooper. It was awful. Mike came to visit me though, it was really hard not being physical on any level with him. I did not want to infect him. He has a job. It is important. They still have no idea what illness I had. Leave it to me to get infected with a mystery infect. But apparently 6 weeks ago I had a mono. Doctors are lame.

      Lately all I have been doing is hanging out with friends, watching Pokemon, and reading Harry Potter. I was watching the Pokemon Rangers movie and I totally fell in love with Manaphy. Who is possibly the cutest little Pokemon ever. I bought one at Target, and now I have the habit of taking him everywhere with me. He's so darling. For the past two days I have hung out with Gina and Amanda. Yesterday we went to Seaside and played Big Buck Hunter and were attacked by Jesus Freaks. Remember people, it does not matter if you are a good person or not, all that matters is that Jesus is in your heart. If that is religion, I want no part of it.

      On Monday Matt, Alyssa, and I went to the JavaMoon psychic. I asked her to tell me about my love life. She said that I just came out of a controlling non-trust relationship. And that he was bad for my health, even though he bought me a lot of material things(yes she actually said that). She also mentioned that we have nothing in common. She said my newest relationship was with an older man who I have a lot more in common with and treats me better. That all my cards were heading in the right directions. I ask her how my Friday would be. I forget all the cards I got exactly. But I got the Wheel of Fortune, which means it is going to be an awesome day, another card which meant my wishes would come true, and my third card meant I would be pleasantly surprised by an outcome. I hope that is True. I also hope I don't get my period Friday. That would be so lame. I finally am like, Hey, I am going to loose my virginity. And my period is like LOLZ fuck you. Last month I got it on the 30th, so hopefully I still have a bit of time left.

Yes that is my boyfriend under me. And yes I am wearing a large teal hat. Lolz. Opps.

      I am not scared anymore. I know I am with the right person and that it is the right time. I just feel tremendous guilt when it comes to doing sexual things, due to how I was raised. I was raised in away the damaged and stunted my sexual drive and many other things in my life. At age 19, I am slowly starting to see the flaws in how I was brought up, and correcting them. Being sexually active at 19 is not bad. I am in a healthy relationship with a boy who cares a lot about me. I waited a lot longer then most girls, and I think I am capable of making a rational choice. He is so sweet, and is working hard to make sure this Friday is a nice day. I still feel a pang of guilt. And I know it will hurt and that I will probably cry and that it will not be anything like it is in the movies. I am loosing my virginity when I am old enough to realize that. It will not be romantic, but awkward. But because it is with Mike, my little Virgo, I am ok with that.

      I also finished Harry Potter today. I was at the gym, crying. Reading a really intense ending, like the ending of Harry Potter, should not be in public places. Especially when the person reading has a pension for crying.

I meant to post this music video on my last post, but I didn't..So here it is:

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Photography by Samantha.

Five

I got the new Harry Potter today. But between not feeling well and my cloudy thoughts I haven't gotten far.

Lately..I've been thinking a lot about sex. Not in like the I want to get fucked real bad, I'm horny, kinda way. But in the...Mike makes me feel like I've never felt before. Maybe he's the right one to give my virginity to kinda way. Every other boy I've been with has just been think fiery passionate intense type of feeling. Not that I am saying I do not feel passionate or intense about Mike. But it is more like this calm filling feeling. It was never like, really intense like it was with the other boys. It was always more chill. And honestly it is more fulfilling.

In the same amount of time I have known him now..I knew Ata. And, we are just in such a pleasant place in comparison to where Ata and I were like a few months into being together. This is how the first time together is suppose to feel, it should be like this, and it makes me so happy, he is so sweet and cute.

So...next Friday Mike and I are going on a ritzy dinner, he is taking me out and about the city I presume, then we are getting a hotel..and well...we'll see what happens. I am scared out of my mind. But I know with Mike, at this very moment, I am safe. I have never felt so secure with a person in my life.

Now back to harry and sleep!

Four

Last weekend was awesome. Though the details do not really matter now, so late in the game. To sum of the weekend, Mike and I went to the Continental, this sassy restaurant in Philadelphia. They had actual basket swings for seats. It was really intense. I also got the best Sundae I have ever had in my life. It was called Mt. Vesuvius, and it was everything I ever wanted in life. Mike got me a new dress, he is so sweet to me. It is amusing how my ex said I would never find anyone who treated me like he did. Mike basically comes with all the perks that my ex did, but he does it more in moderation not excess. Which means he is smarter. But he is better, because he does not abuse me when he is "stressed", he isn't possessive, and treats me like a princess not a possession. He truly cares about me, he isn't some little boy who doesn't know what caring about someone is. But I still cry every time I give him head.
We also went on the boat. Which was interesting. Mike and I got into our first real fight. But it did not escalate really. And things worked out for themselves. He tells me what I am doing that upsets him instead of letting it build up. So I can work to make myself better for him. And the same goes vise versa. He is such a charming little Virgo.
So, since Monday evening I have felt a bit off. Which is the reason I have not updated sooner about my weekend. By Tuesday I was in the emergency room with a 102.8 fever. The next day I was at the doctor's office with 101.4 fever. All of this while still attending classes. I was paralyzed with pain and was unable to eat. I was completely out of it. I could barely think, but I still managed to get a 4.78 out of 5 on a quiz I took. Today is this first day I have been able to eat and comprehend thought. But I could be wrong, this entire entry could make no sense, and it would be perfect sense to me. I have to swish this weird mix of fluids that makes my throat numb, so I don't feel the pain. But in the process it also makes my mouth numb, which is awkward.
Tomorrow Mike's coming. It will be hard not to share drinks or kiss. But his company is all I need. Samantha also visited me Tuesday. During the past week I have taken a stuffed toy bunny everywhere. Even class. IDFCAM. Today when I was getting blood work done a needle broke in my arm, so they have to remove the needle and take more blood out of my other arm. I cried like a little bitch. I am just rambling. This has no flow. But I am sick and fucked up on number. Give me a break here.

So just shut up and listen to Gwen Stefani

Three

     I am sitting here not getting ready to go to Mike's tomorrow. Well, today, since it is way past twelve. I am on the computer while Zachary and I watch USA. A channel I in fact never ever watch ever since Sharona left Monk. But that is another story. It is one in the morning, and I have to make a Old School Hip-Hop Compact Disc for Mike, because I promised. Even though I have to get up at 6:45 to see Zachary off.
     I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. About the people and events that have shaped the person I am today. So much has happened since I graduated Brick Township High School. I have lost friends, gained friends, and re-gained friends. I have been on more dates, more bad then good. I have gained bad habits, but I rejected many. But over all I have found myself in a state of peace. There are some things I still have not gotten over. But I am human, and I will never be anything but. I am just happy to be making baby steps.
     The other day I hung out with Emylin, Kelly, and Sam. It was Smoke and Slurp day. They were giving out free slurpees for 7-11's 80th Birthday. It was awesome. There was good talk, smoking, slurping, and we watched Office Space. It was one of the chiller nights I had in a long time. It was nice. I had some of my favorite people by my side, slurpees in my stomach, and cigarette smoke in my lungs. There really isn't much to complain about. I did find out however that both Kelly and I have a pension for old school hip-hop/gangsta rap.
Video of Us Singing Said Old School Hip-Hop/Gangsta Rap:

     Today I was kind of sad. Because there is this kid I see every day in the parking lot. Before I enter class and after class. We always park around one another. But today I did not see him. I found this uncomfortable. Maybe this sounds strange, but, whatever, this is my blog, you are reading it, get over it.Today I didn't feel too well and had several panic attacks. Ew. Whatever. But Zachary came by and cheered me up. We ended up going to the boardwalk with Amanda, Gina, and Sam to see the fireworks. We missed them, well not completely, but we saw them walking to the boardwalk. We got ice cream and I won some toys. We walked the jetty, you know, the typical shore kid bullshit. But that is my life. I was also very sick all day.

And Prince genuinely freaks me out. I wish he would stop producing music.

This movie has made me the happiest person on earth:

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Video of Kelly and I singing was taken by Samantha

Two

     Long Beach Island is possibly the most boring place to exist in New Jersey. It is much different from the dirty Jersey Shore of Point Pleasant and Seaside that I call home. But if you are starting the evening off with sweet and sour chicken and cigarettes you know the night is bound to be bangin'. Samantha, Zachary, Gina, Amanda, and myself were bored of going to the boardwalk as a group it was decided to go on an adventure. We would get on a parkway and get off on a random exit. We decided to get on Parkway South and Exit 63. 63 ended up being either East to Long Beach Island or West to Camden. And we weren't going to Camden, so we took East.
     We visually did not see anything fun to do, so asking strangers seemed like the most logical thing to do. Through talking to various strangers we ended up on our way to Fantasy Island. Before we found it we busted moves at an Ice cream Parlor. It is lovely being in a place no one knows you, you can make an ass of yourself, and that is perfectly acceptable. Well, not acceptable, but then you don't have to care. People who you don't know personally are just filler. They do not benefit or harm your life. So why care? Do whatever you want, as long as you look cute doing. It was not appreciated by the locals or perhaps it was appreciated too much. Finally we landed in Fantasy Island, we actually got kicked out, but we were there long enough to win a Turtwig.

     Since it was getting late harassing and following locals and making scenes seemed to be the best idea. We walked around causing scenes, giving peace signs, and talking to strangers. We even wandered into this strange shop that had tit cups and turtle lighters. Zach and I got voodoo doll necklaces. By the end of the night we even ended up talking to a Turkish and Romanian Guy. In such a boring town it was surprising how much fun was had. It was ironic how us having fun and us doing our own thing, caused so much of a stir. But, that is just how it is I guess.

Music Video of the Second:

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Pictures taken by Samantha.

One

*** While reading this blog entry it is highly recommend listening to "The Art of Sucking Cock" by N.W.A. (Niggaz With Attitude). This is the song that kept playing through my head during the entire following experience. And it may help the reader understand my plight and my mind set a bit better. ***

     At age 19 I have had very few sexual en devours. These have just started recently in fact, February 2007. And any sexual en devours that have occurred in my life just end up in shambles, along with most of my relationships. But that is another story. I have currently found myself into a relationship with a Virgo, Leo, Leo. I use to think he was a Virgo, Leo, Cancer but thankfully his birth time was wrong making him a Virgo, Leo, Leo. I had mistaken the over-emotionalness of a cancer ascendant with the intensity of a Leo ascendant. I know he cares about me, but I also know Virgoeans are not really expressive with their words vocally and tend. So you just have to pick up on the signs and hope you are reading them correctly. What I like most about him is that he doesn't jump the gun, he only says what he feels, not what he thinks he feels, or things to get me in bed, so I know when he does say things they are truthful.
     I am rather infamous for my fear of sex, sexual organs and sexual things. So, I said to myself, "Girl, you have to get over your fear." Though we have only been together for a short period of time, he stuck by my side through one of the hardest times of my life, and stuck by my side knowing I loved someone. So, I have to give my little Virgoean lots of credit, for being so good. He did what most men wouldn't do. I haven't grown dependent on him, but I have become very fond of his company and care. I could live without it, but I would rather not. So, by his actions I am aware of his feelings for me. And because of his genuine nature, I am more comfortable with him then I have been with anyone. I also get this feeling that he cares about me as a person, not as the the idea of me. Which is a first.
     So, over this past weekend after starring at a penis for 15 minutes repeating the words, "alright", "ok", "then", and "give me a minute!, touching it with my nose, and pushing back tears, and basically being my sex-a-phobic self I did it. I did it. For like 5 seconds, but I did it. But that was enough for me, so I finished him off with a hand job. But so, after he was done we lay down on the bed, we are laying there face to face. And the first thing he says to me is, "I have a question. When we are at ____ earlier, did you fart on me?" After a few angry words, and him telling me it was just, "I did it to lighten the mood and I was curious!" I informed him that I was too tired to be angry, and that I would finish the job the next morning. Which I did. He is a sweet kid, but god can he be clueless about women. This is one of those first times that could only happen, to the one, the only, me. But if ridiculous things like this didn't happen to me, it n'tbe my life, or the relationships in it.

In other really lame news...I am ridiculously addicted to this song...some may see it as a sign of lameness. I see it as, I am so awesome, I can listen to really bad built-to-sell pop and make it look cool.